Published by Open Love Letters


"Dearest nostalgia,

This quarantine has me thinking about you a lot. The things I had, any maybe lost. Brussels, Amsterdam, Berlin, Budapest, Vienna, Paris. Packing a bag with no money and sleeping on camp beds in a damp room. Sitting under a bridge with a €2 bottle of wine, plenty of worries but able to ignore them. I think I've had my youth, and I frittered it away, only a handful of memories sticking with me that I'm able to romanticise. All of the wrong ones. I never thought I'd look back on sticky-floored clubs with a fond heart, a heart eye, but I've found myself doing it so often. Everything I spent so long preparing, getting out of here, starting a life, becoming an adult, I wanted it, I have it, and it's not right. I wasn't more beautiful then, or more intelligent, wiser. I'm everything I aimed to be, but I want then. I'll never have it back. I want to be able to step in and out of memories and do them over and over again. 

I've always found security in a 'plan', but for the first time, I don't have one. The places I wanted to see, the things I wanted to do, I've done or lost interest. Success, New York, bodega coffee on the Y train. It doesn't make my heart soar with excitement how it used to. I've seen it in the movies, I don't think I want to be her anymore. I'm too scared, too worries, too lonely. I think I want a simple life now but I'm in too deep to quit, to admit to myself I was wrong after all these years. It's not that now is bad, it's fine, but I don't want fine, I want to be elated, to be so happy all of the worry leaves me. I think I'll chase that my whole life. 

I've felt like this since I lost my mother. I've been flipping through her countless notebooks in this quarantine, trying to find some answers. I think as I get older I become more and more like her. I hope so, anyway.

Someone sent me this quote the other day, and its come to mean a lot to me very quickly. "All my life I've been obsessed with adolescence, drunk on it. Even when I was little, I knew that teenagers sparkled. I knew they knew something kids didn't and adults ended up forgetting. Since 13 I've been building this giant teenage museum, mausoleum maybe. And now there isn't any more of it.""