Published by Open Love Letters


Dear 'The Off Switch', 

Why aren't you working? I know I had nothing to lose before Covid 19 came along, no proper job, no earnings, but still, why not give me a break from worrying, a chance to repair?

The loneliness from isolation is only reinforcing my pre-existing loneliness, it's not presenting me with any unfamiliar feelings, just more, more, more... everywhere I look there is a metaphor for being stuck: a teddy bear tied to iron gates, solitary random objects on the pavements, even the caged animals on Tiger King!... so please turn off.

I was engaging in something positive, something I rarely do when I'm at home in Manchester freaking our doing my full-time job or trying to get a job. I sink my teeth into the book our virtual book club has decided on, Three Women by Lisa Taddeo, and one chapter in, you start malfunctioning again. Almost immediately, I come face to face with myself.

There's a character, Sloane, whose character description is a scarily accurate reflection of how I perceive myself, although I didn't know this about myself until this confrontation.

The balance of contradictions, the void inside, the unknowing of who you are or what you want to be, alongside the fear of ever being dubbed boring/ All my life I've gone out of my way to seek excitement, unusual experiences by breaking the law, trespassing, exploring abandoned buildings, going out on my own at night... thrill seeking, constantly, like Sloane, and fluctuating between loving and hating myself. I've found & interviews questionable characters who most wouldn't devote a second of their time to. I want to understand everyone, the overlooked, the anomalies, oddballs, alcoholics who roam the streets, those who raid bins & pick up cigarette butts off the floor. I want their stories and I want to make a book out of it. What does this make me, a freak? Am I too much? Is this why I struggle to find relationships? I'm begging you Off Switch, please, just let me be me, the weirdo I am. xxx"